


One-Man Cult

by SonnieMesa



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Bisexuality, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-04 23:09:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4156455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonnieMesa/pseuds/SonnieMesa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Garrus Vakarian bought it upon himself to start an extranet diary. His first entry is a story that he always wanted to tell. The story of his first love and the self-discovery that followed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One-Man Cult

** One-man Cult **

 

**DIARY LOGS: ENTRY 1  
DATE: 2 JUNE 2185 [00:13 GST]**

 

Never was good at opening up, but I felt this had to be written. They say opening up about your problems will make you feel better. That’s a concept I’ve never been familiar with for most of my life. Maybe this will be a good start. To anyone who happens to read this, prepare for a hell of a sob story.

Around nine years ago, I started my stint in the turian military. It was your standard introduction to public service as a turian: stern, but fair and for a good cause. Plus, you go to bed knowing that you just extended the galaxy’s existence by another ten years. There was also the fraternization, the camaraderie. All those things that help you grow to love who you were serving with, who you were giving your life to every other day if things got ugly. If it wasn’t weapons and combat training, it was all the friends I made that make me look back and consider it the best of my times. Even on my best days today, they can’t beat my time on the Attux.

One memory on that ship that will forever run with me is my first romance. I met another junior crew member starting their service. We both came in expecting the same heavy-handedness our fathers liked to employ but were pleasantly surprised to find just how much we’d enjoy it, and all we’d get out of it. We found each other in this environment, or rather it was I who found myself.

I was sixteen then. So was he.

This other turian (I’ll call him Vat) and I met on the tram ride to the station where we’d be assigned to our ships. We ended up talking through the whole ride and got close just from that hour. When we were recruited to the same ship, it gave us an opportunity to get even closer. We shared a bunk, he was up top. We had talks about everything before rest hours, sometimes even past those hours. Sometimes we’d joke around, take turns giving our CO a hard time although we’d never mean anything by it. It started as a nice, strong-knit friendship.

It wasn’t until after we came back to Palaven that things became serious. We spent a whole summer season together and it was much different than our time on the ship. There were no regulations, no schedule, meaning we had freedom to talk anytime and about anything. This led to a lot of personal topics and things said that still repeat in the back of my mind. It wasn’t long before Vat invited me over to his place where we shared a sleeping room, like back on the ship. Back and forth we stayed at each other’s houses, and a room together became a bed. Nothing happened but it was just another step.

One night while sleeping together, I dreamt that we were together, looking over the Qunipex Ocean. A beautiful sight by the way, I recommend it. In the dream, we held hands and Vat put his head to mine. We kissed. I woke up brushing it off as another weird dream, but then I spent the rest of that day thinking about it. I was thinking about him and what it’d be like to hold his hand, rub his fringe, feel his talons lock to mine and more. I longed to be that close to him, to hear his voice and enjoy his silence.

It was inevitable. I was in love with Vat. My first true love. The revelation forced me to jog memories all the women I was with. My first crush, my first kiss, and my first time, the latter was during that summer to which Vat congratulated me. All of those firsts were clouded by the thought of replacing the other party with him, wanting to experience it all over again. That is love. He was my first love. Clear as dew.

The new year started and I went back into the military and he got a scholarship for engineering at Preben Prisco, a serious military-based college. We didn’t talk for a long time after that summer, not in person anyway. We still emailed and vidpatched. At first, I thought we’d slip away, not getting in personal touch with each other for all that time. A small part in me created the idea that he was thinking of me and our time together. I created the thought of him reciprocating my love and want to feel me the way I wanted to for him, body and spirit. This helped tide me over a lot.

It was about three years ago that he came back into my life. I had nearly forgotten him for a few brief moments; we hadn’t spoken for almost a year since then. He came in contact with me via email. It read, and I’m paraphrasing here:

* * *

  _Garrus Vakarian,_

 _Vat humbly invites make your presence noted at the reception of his Bonding Union to his loving girlfriend_  
on the eve of his birthday next Saturday, the 11 th. Up to three plus-ones can come with you to the reception, and refreshments are free.  
Hope to see you there and may the Spirits cloak you.

* * *

 

I was broken the first time I read that. I made the mistake of rereading it to make sure it was true, and went from broken to shattered. Read it a third time, and I was demolished. Read it over and over just to find a grammatical error or something to tell me I misunderstood. In the end, it left me obliterated.

All this time apart, and this is the bomb he chooses to drop? I couldn’t believe what I was reading. For a prolonged time, I felt like the galaxy had torn in half and I was right on the crease. Nothing made sense anymore at this point. I tried to pinpoint when the sense stopped.

Was this just a lead-on? Was he lying? Was he spiting me? Does he care that I care? Why isn’t it _me_ he’s bonding to? I wanted it to be me!

Shouting and swirling on the inside wasn’t going to help at all. I shut the laptop down, fighting the urge to toss it against a wall. I need a drink. I need a drink, or something to smoke. I repeated this mantra and stepping closer to my father’s pipe. It was a habit I had picked up out of absolute stress. Here was where it got into its high point: addiction. I puffed like my life depended on it, hoping that the bad taste of dextro herbs and tar would drown out the disgust.

Looking back, I had the most immature plots in mind. I remember wanting to come to the wedding only to break in, object and then leave. Another had me pouring everything out to Vat and telling him that he’ll be the one for as long as I can read. There was nothing in the world to stop me if that wedding was that weekend, but enough time to myself and conversations with my parents (which I used as an opportunity to come out) made me realize just how stupid I was.

Sure, the first love will feel like the only one and like the only one that matters, but there’s so much more life to live at my age and love will come more than once. For a cliché, that is more than the truth. Today, three years after the crisis, it sticks because I managed to have another romantic partner afterwards. That’s a story for another day.

On the day of the wedding, I went alone and took a taxi to the reception. What a great fanfare it was, too. I saw a few familiar faces from serving on the Attux and other people we hung with in the summer. The food looked spectacular—looked. There wasn’t a shortage or a charge on refreshments, so that made up for it most. The best part was the nuptials themselves. Vat in his perfect formal attire and his bride in hers, looking like something out of an elegant, expensive vid. With a venue like the one we were in, it was hard not to fit the price.

Once the ceremony ended, everyone stuck around to talk with the others. This was a great opportunity to actually go up and talk to him. They were in the midst of a conversation with a few other turians, then when I came close enough, Vat acknowledged me with a wave and a firm shake of my arm.

“Well, Vat,” I started, “I don’t know how much more to congratulate you two or wish you the best.”

“Thanks, Garrus,” he crooned. “It means a lot, and I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Oh, may I kiss the bride?” I asked, on pure whim.

“By all means,” was what the bride in question replied. She leaned in towards me and I gave a quick nuzzle to the side of her face.

“Your friend certainly is a charming sort,” she said to Vat.

“Easy now," he said. "It’s too early for you to start any affairs.” All three of us shared a laugh. The conversation that followed lasted a good ten minutes before they excused themselves to leave first for the reception a short drive away. At that reception, I didn’t have the time to hold another talk with everyone dancing, even myself, but upon leaving, I did finally give him my new comm link address and he gave his so we can stay in contact again.

Since that day, we had more insightful conversations and continue to do so. He had changed a lot from what I remember but not too much to diminish my thoughts on him. When you reach the ages we were, change is very expected. I only told him small bits of my attraction to him, but never outright love. He said he was flattered and asked why I didn’t come right out with it before. I just typed back, “Let’s just say it was too heavy for me.” I knew he understood what I meant because he replied, “It was bound to happen. Can’t blame you at all.”

Damn. Now that I’ve told my story, I suddenly feel better. I still have other personal issues with Sidonis, failure at C-Sec, Shepard being alive again and with Cerberus, etc. For now though, getting this one thing out in writing makes me happier. Vat made me happy, him moving on with his life made me miserable, but now I look back and love him still for what he brought out of me. I’ll never forget him, our summer together, and how he taught me what love was. I feel free again, like a load was lifted off my back only to find that I pushed it off gradually in the short time it took to write this.

Not sure I’ll post anything else here, but for now, this is me. This is the old secret I first shared.

\- G


End file.
